Tuesday, September 11, 2012

everybody loves the animal control officer

Remember my brother, the animal control officer? He’s hijacked this blog a a few times before, once when he issued a Notice of Violation to a red tail hawk, another time that involved a lot of body fluids, a crackhead, and a bar of soap, and most recently, when he impounded Thor, a pit bull with jaws big enough to shred the door his truck, had he felt so inclined. Well, I just now checked one of my defunct email addresses and found this gem, waiting for me for nearly 9 months no. Without further ado, my brother:

You blog, put this shit up.

I was minding my own business at work today and one of my bosses called, and said that one of the other officers had impounded a dog a few days ago during a Sheriff’s Assist call when its owner got arrested.  Anyway, apparently the owner had been released from jail and hadn’t yet claimed her dog and all the phone numbers we had for her were bad, and we needed to get her dog back to her.  So, anyway, I know her neighborhood, so I call Sheriff’s just to make sure I’m OK knocking on the door without getting shot or stabbed.

Sheriff’s: “Let’s see, yup, she tried to shoot her husband with a double barreled shotgun.”

Me: “Does she still have the shotgun?”

Sheriff’s: “I don’t think so, it looks like it broke during the fight.”

Me: “Fight?”

Sheriff’s: “It looks like she fought the deputies who were arresting her, and they confiscated some property including a shotgun, and there is a note about a gun being disabled.”  Pause. “So do you want a follow?” 

Me:  Pause.  “You know what, no, I’m there to deliver good news, I’ll play it by ear, I’ll keep my phone in my hand, I’ll call you if it gets weird.”

And then I get to the house, and there is a brand new heavy metal security exterior screen door bolted to the house, there are still stickers on the thing from Home Depot and China, and all the stucco around the door frame is gone, like maybe when Sheriff’s were there a few days ago they didn’t exactly use a key to remove the old door to get this girl. 

So I knock and wait. 

As usual, nothing happens so I knock and wait again, and then the interior door flies open and there she is, butt nekkid and screaming at me that she just got out of jail 4 hours ago and I am fucking with her already?! Now I’m thinking WTF, 5-0 just pretty much told me to wait for them and I declined, and now I am going to get shotgunned by a naked girl.

And you know what? When she realized I was from the animal shelter, and I just wanted to get her dog back to her?  Best friends.  Yup. Not necessarily bad-naked either. Angry, but cute.

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