Wednesday, February 1, 2012

dana hijacked me again

Remember my brother, the animal control officer? He’s hijacked this blog a coupla times before, once when he issued a Notice of Violation to a red tail hawk and another time that involved a lot of body fluids, a crackhead, and a bar of soap. Well, it’s time for another visit from Our Hero. Without further ado…


I was minding my own business driving around when my phone rang, and I recognized the number, it was 5-0.  And I was just about to take a long walk on the beach, too.  Fuck.

So anyways, they said I had to meet them under the bridge between the beach and the town, and impound a dog so they can take his owner to jail.  So I show up, and I see a cruiser parked under the bridge with its lights on and a pile of stuff on the sidewalk.  I get out of my truck and I don¹t recognize the cops, (it turns out they are switching shifts or some other shit and they don¹t normally work that area.)

They are busy fooling with radios and clip boards and whatever they do, so I walk over to the pile of paper and plastic bags and stuff and there is a frigging ginormous pitbull leashed to the crash bar up front.  My boy!

Me:  Hey, Thor!

Thor(was sleeping on the curb, slowly gets up, shakes his sleep off, sticks out his tongue and wags his tail.)

Cops: How did you know his name?

Me: Is that Phil in your car?

Cops: (A little incredulously) Yeah! He was passed out on the sidewalk, we don¹t know who the fuck he is.

Me: Can I talk to him for a quick sec?

Cops: Sure! (They open the door.)

Me: Hey, Phil, it¹s me, Dana, Animal Control again! I¹m taking Thor with me, he¹ll be fine, just come up and get him when you get out!

Phil: igjpjg fopgjp gj pgjfs

Me: I¹ll give my card to these guys to put in your shit so when you get out you have my number, okay?!

Phil: flih dsfihr5 lhfs

Cops: Holy fuck, how do you know this guy?

Me: My third, my partners have a couple each though.  What¹s his charge?

Cops: He¹s got warrants for public intoxication, illegal camping, shoplifting, defrauding an innkeeper, resisting arrest, trespassing, simple assault, possession of less than an ounce, possession of paraphernalia, possession of stolen property, and harboring an unlicensed dog.

Me:  The dog¹s current.

Cops(Pause.) He¹ll be out tomorrow.

Phil:  fsh5ja pif 9jfl

I let Thor ride shotgun, he¹s the balls. I think it runs in the family though, I was feeding him treats while we were driving around but he was more interested in licking the bottle of hand sanitizer in the center console.


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