a day in the life of an animal control officer

Hi everyone!  We have a guest blogger today! He’s an animal control officer in southern California, and he might be related to me. OK, fine, he’s my brother. Without further ado, here’s what happened to him today.

But first! To whet your appetite, some random pictures of the things he typically encounters in his work, just by way of introduction:

A baby coyote.

Retrieving a rattlesnake from some lady’s garbage can.

A skunk who got his head stuck in a yogurt cup.

OK, now that you have a sense for what he does all day, here’s the guest post. Oh – warning. There might be a dirty word or two in here. If you have delicate sensibilities, consider yourself warned.

 

I don’t know how to blog but you do, so I thought maybe you could blog this for me since it struck me as funny.

Today I had a normal day at work, wearing long plastic blend pants with lots of stuff in my pockets and other heavy stuff hanging on my belt, and it was about a hundred degrees F outdoors while I was walking around a lot.  You can edit this if the internet doesn’t let you say it out loud, but my balls were sweating, a lot.  To the point that when I was getting in and out of my truck I noticed smeared moisture on the vinyl seat.  (spell vinyl, 3 times, fast.)

Fine.  I get off work, I go home, I go into the shower and before I get started I notice that the soap bar I used to have in there is small.  Like, Trident Whitening Gum small.  I’m thinking, hmmm. I need more soap, before I get started. So I go into The Bride’s bathroom, where she’s got everything.  (Everything.) I find a medium sized brick that is white and covered in some crispy type of glassine wrapping.  (No, The Bride is not involved in the importing or exporting of narcotics, relax.  It’s some kind of soap.)

So I bring the brick into my bathroom, unwrap it and wash my stuff.  It smells nice.  It smells expensive.  My stuff gets clean.  I’m pleased; I had dog urine on me, cat feces on me, fluids from a couple of different DOAs (one for sure was a rabbit, another could have been a sea gull) and I spent some time talking up close to a woman who I think was on crack and lived near a bush. Wow, this soap is working out well.  I think I burned through the logo on the bar before I realized it was a fucking $15 bar of soap that is from France or some place like that and was to be treated like furniture.  

The Bride isn’t home yet so, so far, so good.  I think I’m going to do some laundry now and chuck the rest of the brick into the machine with a white load.